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 ~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ archives: feb 2003 - ... 2004 |
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~~* A Splinter of my Mind's Eye *~~ archives: feb 2003 - ... 2004 |
| * dec 24, 2004 |
... |
| * nov 9, 2004 |
"oh, yes! let's bomb the hospitals, and target ambulances, and shoot at medics!" |
| * nov 8, 2004 |
doesn't it seem like U.S. foreign policy has become a matter of considering which actions are likely to piss off the most number of people in the world, and to create the most conflict and ill-will towards the U.S., and then to say, "yes! that's what we'll do!" ? maybe that really is their goal. maybe they truly are striving to bring on their Armageddon. stupid fundamental Christians. don't they realize no sane God would consider them as being on the side of Good? of course they don't believe in a good, sane God. they believe in the cruel, selfish, stupid god of their Christian Bible. so maybe they do make sense in their own cruel, selfish, and stupid way. |
| * nov 7, 2004 |
oh buggers. al Qaida may be planning to detonate 6 nuclear devices (suitcase bombs) in the U.S., each with as much destructive force as the bomb dropped on Hiroshima? shit. if so, we're really in for it. things are bad. but things could get a heck of a lot worse. maybe they will. i should really be doing something more fun with my life than going to work every workday. while i still can. if only i knew what would be fun. if only i could envision it. heck. maybe nuclear war will be fun? |
| * oct 31, 2004 |
i think i have a hard time letting go of things... even after something stops being pleasurable for me, i tend to stick with it for a long long time... until i finally let go or drift away elsewhere. there are just so few pleasurable things there's nothing to replace them with usually and so the status quo lingers and i eke out whatever minor amusement i can while hoping that something damn good will still come of it. . damn. i want a close friend or something. but i never like anyone enough to really want them as a friend like that. it's all so damn pointless, damn it. there's just no way. so why don't i kill myself? why? what am i waiting for, hoping for? or is it really that i'm just scared? yes, i'm scared. scared of failure. scared of trying to kill myself and having it not work, and ending up disabled, blinded, maimed, etc. and i'm going to die anyway someday, so why not just wait. i can wait. i can survive. even though it's horrible. big fucking horrible deal. and maybe something good will happen while i'm waiting to die. maybe, just maybe, i mean it's possible, even though it seems otherwise. so which reason is it then? surely one of them takes precedence. which one is it? why am i fucking putting myself through this? because i'm a coward? or because i'm smart enough not to take a bad risk like that? or because i'm hopeful? does it matter which reason it really is? |
| * oct 31, 2004 |
nipples aren't good for anything. they're just a pain, or an annoyance. they never feel more pleasurable than any other part of my body, and sometimes feel a lot worse. so what good are they? if i got my breasts removed, what point would there be in keeping the nipples, other than for not looking even more freakish? stupid fucking... pinching my fucking stupid nipples you damn jerk. damn you. damn. stupid damn fucking people. with their damn stupid fucking differentness from me. and their damn stupid fucking heavenly orgasms. and their damn stupid everything. damn. happy fucking halloween, goddammit. . nobody's ever going to like me, because i'm too fucking morose. but nobody'd ever like me even if i weren't, because they never have. so who fucking cares. goddamnit, i want to fucking punch God right now. except that i don't believe in any fucking god. but if i did, and if it was in front of me, goddamn, i'd fucking PUNCH that fucking damn God of the damn Universe, i would. stupid fucking how dare ze put me in this damn stupid fucking miserable place to live a damn stupid fucking miserable life, goddamn you fucking god. let's see, what could i do... play raquetball? ain't got no fucking raquetball court and even if i did i wouldn't be allowed to make an angry racket in it this time of night. do some pushups? hell no, dammit, sick of effin pushups damn. go to sleep? yeah right you damn fool. sleep, as if. keep on typing? goddamn. cry? sick of damn fucking crying, damn. why the fuck should i fucking cry, damn? there. are you better now? mmpfht... how about see what's on tv? grrmmpht... how about just lie down and be nothingness and ... ... . i really should kill myself. i'm such a fucking loser that i can't fucking kill myself out of this miserable existence. all i do is fucking whine, whine, whine. fucking whining fuck. |
| * oct 29, 2004 |
black fingernails and black jellybeans so sweet the soda seems bitter by comparison oh... jellybean... |
| * oct 13, 2004 |
yes this pain of life is temporary. but death can seem so far away. sometimes i hate myself for not being strong enough to die. . i'm a peach in a plum orchard. a mighty fine peach. but noone wants peaches, just plums. . no, not a peach, an alien peach. |
| * oct 7, 2004 |
someone really caring about me. me having a bond with someone. what a ridiculous concept. i can't believe in it enough to even take comfort in the imagination of it anymore. . i'm like some kind of alien here. an outer-space alien who's learned to look human and to speak human but not to be human. people are so fucking different from me. and i just can't understand what the difference is. . exclusion. that's one of the worst hurts, to feel purposefully excluded. unwanted. or even just to not be included. not wanted enough. yet even if it's not that, i can't fathom why they would want to include me. other than out of a desire to be nice, to not be mean. there's just no logical reason, otherwise. i have hardly nothing in common with them, do i? it's always like that. |
| * jun 21, 2004 |
well, i've made it through another week. and that's another week closer to death or happiness or whatever |
| * may 16, 2004 |
i repeat myself, don't i. am i stuck in an infinite loop? . ow....ch ouch ouch ouch. i want a drug that'll knock me senseless. like sleep. i want it right now. so why is it so hard to turn this off and go to bed? i don't want to go to work... i don't want another week... i don't want to deal with that chiropractor again. i don't want to be continuously waiting, for something. i don't want to wake up, and so i'm afraid of going to sleep. i don't want to leave my cell-phone on, pretending that someone might call me. i used to feel that way about the mailbox but i got over it. i don't want this. and i don't fucking care about my fucking messed up back whatever the fucking fuck is fucking wrong with it. fuck. come on, go to bed. you can do it. ::sob!:: |
| * may 16, 2004 |
there are no monsters. even hitler wasn't a monster. just a person doing bad things. |
| * may 3, 2004 |
darkoshi: i think this Scene has gone on quite long enough, thank-you-sir. i'm due some considerate aftercare. the mighty all-powerful god/dess of the known and unknown universes: No! It's not over until I say so! ::it's just that I seem to have lost the key, dammit...:: Follow me! Why don't you follow me...eee...eee...? hands up! baby, hands up! baby, doo-wah, ditty-ditty, doo-wah, ditty-ditty, all your love, all your love, all your love... all your lo-ove, boom, boom, boom, boom... i have an imaginary Dom. ze lives in my brain. and does whatever i want zim to, whenever i want. so much more convenient than a real one. just not as much fun. Good Sir! I think you Lie! Oh, do you now? How very interesting. Have you by chance seen any keys lying around? Zim-Zala-Bim! |
| * may 2, 2004 |
make me cry hold me and drain me dry drain this poison dry . who's here for me? i'm here for you. yes, but you'd leave me, if you could. just like i'd leave you. or did you already leave, and it's just the echo of your memory i hear? . just someone to play with, like someone to go kayaking with. that's all. to have some fun. is that too much to ask? . why can't i be someone's brat? (you cried when he took your shoe.) why can't i have someone who'll hold me tight no matter what? (you've always been too well-behaved to be a brat.) (you never could break any rules on your own.) . where are my people? the ones who would understand me. the ones whom i would fit in with? you have no people. you're a freak. a one-of-a-kind abnormality which will live to the end of its lifespan and then expire. (escape to witch mountain) how did i end up here? (mork from ork) for a reason. . why do you think you want someone to hold you tight? you've never been. you wouldn't like it. i'm thirsty. shut up and leave me alone. shut up, goddammit. |
| * may 1, 2004 |
trapped in an empty box of hope it seems such a foolish, stupid thing to do, to hope, when all one's experience has taught one not to. but maybe hope is the closest one can get to that which one hopes for, when one is trapped in emptiness. |
| * jan 17, 2004 |
::inhale:: i am strong... ::exhale:: all is well... all will be well. it is okay. it is okay. and i have patience too. Death is patient and so am i. the world turns and so do i. i am still within me and all is well. |
| * jan 4, 2004 |
ich bin ein Menschenkind... und ein Schatz :-) |
| * nov 22, 2003 |
i understand... that feeling. you want someone to want to use you, because that at least is some form of wanting. you've long lost hope of anyone wanting you for anything else. it's too painful to consider the possibility of someone wanting you for -you-. way too painful. so just come and fuck me, rape me, use me. make me feel wanted. . even though you'll know they still don't really want you. you'll still despair. you'll still rage. but it might be enough for a mindless, meaningless orgasm. or for a momentary illusion of worthwhile usefulness. |
| * nov 22, 2003 |
it's so paradoxical that feeling bad is the best feeling i have. it's so paradoxical that the best feeling i have makes me wish i were dead. |
| * nov 16, 2003 |
i need death like i need a vacation. i can't do it anymore, even though i've proven that i can. get up every day. brush my teeth and clean my body every day. choose clothes to wear every day. eat breakfast. go to work. be at work. eat lunch. be at work some more. drive home. exercise. eat dinner. tend the body some more. do this and do that. every day. brush and floss my teeth. every day. go to bed. every night. i can't do it anymore, even though it's been proven that i can. i'm so tired... i want to give up but i don't know how. you win. i'm finished. i give up. i'm through. please accept my surrender. please accept my apologies. please accept anything. anything you want. just please let me go. so cruel not to let me go. i can't even enjoy your cruelty because you won't show yourself to me. because you don't even exist. please, please let me go. i'm so tired. so lonely. please. |
| * september 27, 2003 |
there is this something; i don't know a word for it. this undefined thing i yearn for. vaguely recognizable, yet untouchable. unreachable. it pulls at my heart, my soul. something, the heart of everything. silent still center nothingness totality eyes of flame anger/joy/despair/fear/mirth/togetherness/separateness shrieking/purring/smiling/shouting/dancing/falling circling/floating/fighting/playing/drowning/being enjoyment? emotion of a stronger degree. certainty. |
| * jun 21, 2003 (from LJ) |
interview thingy andrewducker was nice enough to ask me some interesting questions... You get to redesign your body from the ground up. Describe. Height - about 6 inches more. Corresponding to that, feet would need to be bigger. Legs - without that flabby bit below the buttocks, and with the muscles slightly more defined. Stomach/belly - reduce its tendency to balloon outward after having eaten. Lungs and heart - stronger, for ability to jog/run longer/faster without becoming winded. Spine/neck - perfectly aligned. Back - more cushioning muscle/flesh over the spine and ribs. Arms - with the muscles slightly more defined. Fingers - somewhat longer. Breasts - remove. Replace with chest muscles to aesthetically balance the rest of my physique. Skin/pores - no bumps, acne, greasy skin, body odor, etc. No becoming wrinkled and flabby with age. No more fat accumulation than is aesthetically pleasing to oneself. Skin & Hair - ability to change to any color/hue/shade/pattern at will (like a chameleon, sort of, except mentally controlled). Creasemarks on forehead - make them indiscernible except when I am actually creasing my forehead. Lips - reduce their tendency to stick together. Voice - slightly deeper and with greater range / greater ability to sing in tune. Nose - remove all allergies and tendencies towards runniness, post-nasal-drip and congestion. Eyes - perfect vision, including very good low-light-vision and perhaps an ability to see infrared, as long as it was something that could be turned on/off at will. Perhaps having a changeable eye-color based upon one's mood. Immune System - immunity to all diseases and cancer, but not necessarily to short term illnesses which don't cause permanent physical damage. The ability to heal/repair/regenerate body after any non-fatal physical damage such as loss of limb or severed nerves, etc. Blood - add a nonharmful substance that would make the blood taste bad to mosquitoes and all other skin-biting insects. General - body would be impervious to cold. Sexual organs - remove menstruation and ability to get pregnant. Significantly reduce lubrication/slime creation. No pubic hair. Perhaps replace clitoris with a retractible penis and route urinary tract through it. No testes, sperm, etc. Or perhaps even better, replace all sexual organs with a sexual nerve-system spread throughout the skin/body. The nerves would become sensitive when one was in a state of arousal, and sex would be a sharing of touch in such a state. Perhaps remove the entire digestive system and replace with chlorophyll in skin, or something similar, yet with the same amount of energy produced as by eating. Brain - telepathic / empathic powers, for sensing other peoples' thoughts and/or feelings, as long as they weren't choosing to block such contact. . Some of the above items would only be desirable as long as other peoples' bodies were the same way. If you were suddenly rich, how would you spend your time? Probably much the same as I do now. I really don't know. I'd buy myself a cell-phone to keep in the car for emergency use. What question are you most afraid of being asked? If I knew what it was, it wouldn't be nearly as frightening, since there would have been opportunity to come up with a response to it. One scary question, only if it weren't hypothetical, would be, if I was given a simple and painless way to die, right now, would I take it? |
| * june 11, 2003 |
lying in bed before sleep that chasm awakens emptiness aloneness it wants... someone... to fill it someone to like me to be with me to understand me and vice versa to not be alone but when i face the truth, no outside person could suffice. having a good friend, even a wonderful one, wouldn't fill that chasm. it would still be there. we are all alone, inside. imagination is a wonderful thing, though. it makes the impossible real. i imagine people outside of me, yet they are within. they are a part of me, and they can suffice. much of the time. |
| * june 1, 2003 |
i think someday, this world will never have existed. |
| * april 29, 2003 |
damn it no one likes me enough to even reply to my fucking stupid email. like the dirt beneath their shoes worthless not even worth the bother of being told of my worthlessness ignore... ignore... ignore. she means nothing to us. she's that odd quiet one who says nothing at all. does she really think we want her email? . oh, sure. stop it. be reasonable. they just haven't read it yet. or they didn't get it. or they innocently forgot. yeah. right. .. what is a person supposed to do when people don't answer? are they supposed to assume they are unwelcome and go away? or, at the risk of seeming a nuisance, are they supposed to repeat themselves, giving the other person yet another opportunity to ignore them? where's the big instruction-book to life? |
| * april 26, 2003 |
if a person is incomplete without their soulmate... the incompleteness defines the missing part. having such knowledge of the missing part, is it truly missing? when the moon is half-full, the half-dark part still exists. the moon is still as complete as when it is fully bright or fully dark. |
| * april 20, 2003 |
Often lately, I wonder if we are just like the Germans were under Hitler. I grew up with the non-understanding of why the Germans didn't do anything to stop Hitler; why they allowed those horrible things to go on, why they didn't just say "No" or "This is wrong, and I won't go along with it". There was that notion of "Never again," as if we as humans had learned something from that period of history. But here we are, and horrible things are being done. Depleted uranium. Birth defects. Cluster bombs. Oil spills. Clear-cut logging. Pollution. Cancer. Dirty air and dirty water. Killings. Massacres. Poverty. Immigrants from Middle-Eastern countries being detained and deported. Other governments being supported or opposed based upon their support of our economy and our so-called interests, rather than upon their support for democracy and human rights. Even though I didn't vote for Bush and don't support him... here I am, paying taxes, going to work, shopping... In spite of anything else i do, it seems like i am also just letting it all continue. Maybe some day, we will be called to account for our actions or lack of actions. huhm. Maybe they decided to use depleted uranium weapons as an underhanded method of getting rid of the radioactive waste from our nuclear reactors. Here we are, getting energy from nuclear reactors and from burning oil. And here we are, dispersing the radioactive remnants of the nuclear reactors into foreign lands... as part of a war meant to secure a continuing supply of oil to us. We don't have to bother with diplomatic negotiations, we don't have to pay for them to take our contaminated trash; we just go -Boom - Boom - Boom-. |
| * april 13, 2003 |
the hurt was so familiar. i had felt the exact same stunned disbelief and pain before. though i couldn't quite remember where or when. |
| * feb 23, 2003 |
i know, i know. i'm not what you're looking for, any more than you're what i'm looking for. so sad, so sad. when one doesn't believe in anything, one's beliefs can't be shattered. it's an emptiness though. |
| * feb 14, 2003 |
i hug myself to sleep a lot lately it's the only comfort i can seem to find the only comfort my mind can find it hugs itself and says, all is well, little one, here i am, and i care. you can fall asleep safely in my arms and i will never leave you. |
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